Just...

Eat the cookie, cry later.

This is Crystalshrinks, in the photo to your right there I am. It was a day when I frantically dressed and got our three children ready. I panicked about what to wear because my efforts at finding something for this family photo shoot while shopping were fruitless. I cried about it, I considered cancelling the shoot or just simply allowing my children and husband to participate and I would sit out. My husband felt the same, he had suffered an injury during a camping trip that hindered our evening walks. Although I had been running all summer, watching my weight and doing well, towards the end of the summer my father started to feel really sick again and I turned to food for comfort.

I remember thinking the entire photo shoot that I was going to ruin our family photos. How could I go and gain over five pounds before such an important event?! People would compare my photos from last fall and see there hadn't been any progress. I had relatively maintained the same weight instead of losing over 20 pounds I had planned on.

During a therapy session I discussed the fact that I've been eating non stop. Seeing my father sick always worries me and makes me head for the cupboard. I didn't think I was an emotional eater until I examined all the times I have reached for a cookie, a slice of cake, hit the drive-thru and felt sick and guilty afterward. My therapist asked if I felt more vulnerable to personal attacks as a thinner woman, what about being bigger made me feel safer?

Fat Crystal is safe, and it clicked for me saying this out loud. I have survived several forms of abuse in my lifetime but only when I was thin. Thin Crystal was attacked, taken advantage of and treated like garbage. Fat Crystal rarely has anyone look twice at her let alone attack her. The only thing Fat Crystal worries about is what's for dinner and how soon can I eat again?

Thin Crystal went through many phases, not being thin enough, being anorexic-bulimic, exhausted and tired of covering up the obvious signs she had a problem. Fat Crystal accepts that she is never going to be thin, beautiful or anything exceptional - so she eats the cookie and cries later.

Thin Crystal went to parties, had a huge group of friends, she socialized often and loved being the life of the party. Thin Crystal weighed herself every time she peed, ate, drank, breathed, changed clothes. Thin Crystal appeared happy but felt miserable. She smoked too much, ate too little and drank too much at parties. Thin Crystal couldn't find anyone who loved her for who she was so she settled for less again and again until eventually there was no self esteem to build up again.

Fat Crystal wears baggy clothes, she exercises, looks at the scale constantly. When the scale is good, she eats to celebrate - when the scale is bad she eats to comfort herself. Fat Crystal eats over the sink, at the fridge and with the cupboard door still open, she eats in the car and hides the wrappers. Fat Crystal eats until she makes herself sick, her body actually rejects the food she continues to eat even though her stomach hurts because it's so full. Fat Crystals stomach may always full but she is always empty.

Fat Crystal has a husband and three children, all of them watch her self destructing in desperation. When Fat Crystal is in the kitchen eating alone, the children wander through and look at Mama with concern but they don't speak because Fat Crystal can't hear anyone when she's eating, she can't see or think about anything but getting more food. Food doesn't let her down, it tastes good, it fulfills an instant gratification. Fat Crystals husband argues with her to put down the cookies, he attempts to make better suggestions and let her know he loves her and wants her to be happy. Fat Crystal glares at him and eats twice as much to spite his efforts just to show him she can eat what she wants. Fat Crystal loves her family and wants to do what is best but doesn't know where to start. She exercises and then eats the calories she burned, she eats very clean for a couple of weeks and one day when the scale doesn't say what she wants the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Fat Crystal and Thin Crystal wage war while somewhere inside a healthy woman is dying to break free and feel just as safe as the Crystal that came before fat and thin.

Fat Crystal eats the cookie but she always cries later.

Like alcohol and drugs, food can be addiction that becomes just as dangerous for your health. If you feel you have an issue with food, whether it's overeating, anorexia, or bulimia contact your local health care professional for a referral to a program near you. Most health units in Canada provide programs for overeating that you can participate in without a referral as long as you are over the age of 18.