Everyone is Alright - right?

Sometimes the sadness takes over and the weightloss stalls. The eating to cover up the pain consumes every thought and for a temporary while you think, "I don't care how skinny feels this shit is tasty!" But the holidays end and we come back to life, schedules and the pesky pounds we have put on over the holidays.

I have been a huge gaining streak. I didn't mistype that, I truly went out of my weight to gain and just eat whatever I wanted. I wanted to know what it felt like to be truly careless without being pregnant and having a built in excuse. So I gained, oh lord did I. I am now at 190 pounds. This is my first week of walking, eating better and looking forward to healthy food again.

My husband and I try to go for a walk every day with the kids, depending on who is home from school. We have moved to a new home, a new neighbourhood and I am really happy with it. We have a lot of decorating to do but overall it's a fabulous house with a ton of potential I am excited to work on.

Dealing with being depressed and emotional is never fun but I have remained seeing a therapist regularly and contemplating a steady schedule of taking an anti-depressant. I always pursue natural options first and they are working but not as much as I would like.

Over the summer I contracted Mono and Hepatitis A - or a strain of it. No doctor could pinpoint it, we deduced that during my brief stay in Toronto for school I must have picked it up. I went into liver failure and that scared me straight. For awhile. But once I truly got back to health and adjusted to having braces (they're on and they are ghetto fab!) the eating commenced, until last week.

Everyday I am making to-do lists, making sure I get outside or take a drive and run an errand. I am reaching out to make new friends, plan events and try my best to become the person I want to be deep down inside.

I am launching my new business and taking it very slow. I have no idea what will happen with it from here but I am determined to take things slow and enjoy the success if it comes. If it doesn't I still have fun creating some amazing confectionary treats.

So, hopefully I am back much more regularly and I will post photos and keep up. I am trying, but don't hold me to anything.

Just...

Eat the cookie, cry later.

This is Crystalshrinks, in the photo to your right there I am. It was a day when I frantically dressed and got our three children ready. I panicked about what to wear because my efforts at finding something for this family photo shoot while shopping were fruitless. I cried about it, I considered cancelling the shoot or just simply allowing my children and husband to participate and I would sit out. My husband felt the same, he had suffered an injury during a camping trip that hindered our evening walks. Although I had been running all summer, watching my weight and doing well, towards the end of the summer my father started to feel really sick again and I turned to food for comfort.

I remember thinking the entire photo shoot that I was going to ruin our family photos. How could I go and gain over five pounds before such an important event?! People would compare my photos from last fall and see there hadn't been any progress. I had relatively maintained the same weight instead of losing over 20 pounds I had planned on.

During a therapy session I discussed the fact that I've been eating non stop. Seeing my father sick always worries me and makes me head for the cupboard. I didn't think I was an emotional eater until I examined all the times I have reached for a cookie, a slice of cake, hit the drive-thru and felt sick and guilty afterward. My therapist asked if I felt more vulnerable to personal attacks as a thinner woman, what about being bigger made me feel safer?

Fat Crystal is safe, and it clicked for me saying this out loud. I have survived several forms of abuse in my lifetime but only when I was thin. Thin Crystal was attacked, taken advantage of and treated like garbage. Fat Crystal rarely has anyone look twice at her let alone attack her. The only thing Fat Crystal worries about is what's for dinner and how soon can I eat again?

Thin Crystal went through many phases, not being thin enough, being anorexic-bulimic, exhausted and tired of covering up the obvious signs she had a problem. Fat Crystal accepts that she is never going to be thin, beautiful or anything exceptional - so she eats the cookie and cries later.

Thin Crystal went to parties, had a huge group of friends, she socialized often and loved being the life of the party. Thin Crystal weighed herself every time she peed, ate, drank, breathed, changed clothes. Thin Crystal appeared happy but felt miserable. She smoked too much, ate too little and drank too much at parties. Thin Crystal couldn't find anyone who loved her for who she was so she settled for less again and again until eventually there was no self esteem to build up again.

Fat Crystal wears baggy clothes, she exercises, looks at the scale constantly. When the scale is good, she eats to celebrate - when the scale is bad she eats to comfort herself. Fat Crystal eats over the sink, at the fridge and with the cupboard door still open, she eats in the car and hides the wrappers. Fat Crystal eats until she makes herself sick, her body actually rejects the food she continues to eat even though her stomach hurts because it's so full. Fat Crystals stomach may always full but she is always empty.

Fat Crystal has a husband and three children, all of them watch her self destructing in desperation. When Fat Crystal is in the kitchen eating alone, the children wander through and look at Mama with concern but they don't speak because Fat Crystal can't hear anyone when she's eating, she can't see or think about anything but getting more food. Food doesn't let her down, it tastes good, it fulfills an instant gratification. Fat Crystals husband argues with her to put down the cookies, he attempts to make better suggestions and let her know he loves her and wants her to be happy. Fat Crystal glares at him and eats twice as much to spite his efforts just to show him she can eat what she wants. Fat Crystal loves her family and wants to do what is best but doesn't know where to start. She exercises and then eats the calories she burned, she eats very clean for a couple of weeks and one day when the scale doesn't say what she wants the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Fat Crystal and Thin Crystal wage war while somewhere inside a healthy woman is dying to break free and feel just as safe as the Crystal that came before fat and thin.

Fat Crystal eats the cookie but she always cries later.

Like alcohol and drugs, food can be addiction that becomes just as dangerous for your health. If you feel you have an issue with food, whether it's overeating, anorexia, or bulimia contact your local health care professional for a referral to a program near you. Most health units in Canada provide programs for overeating that you can participate in without a referral as long as you are over the age of 18.

Organized Home = Organized Mind?

I can tell you without a doubt most of the friends I have that are struggling with their weight will agree that they are disorganized in some part of their lives as well. When I look back at what was successful for me, it wasn't so much the diet and exercise but a big part of it was my lifestyle organization.

I used to spend my days gardening and organizing rooms, that fell to the wayside when I started my own business and added more children to the mix. Now that I'm semi-retired and my children are in school and daycare I can focus on getting our home organized and running like a well oiled engine.

Whenever I'm bored the first thing I go to is the fridge, let's make something exciting! After the meal or snack I'm guilt-ridden and I will either lay on the couch watching tv wallowing in my own self pity or I'll head out and buy stuff for my house that will never leave the bags I brought them home in, I never make it that far.

This year has been full of great obstacles and changes for me. I recently started taking cake classes and I enjoy it a lot, but I have to be organized if I want to make it to class on time and get my items ready so I don't fall behind in class. Once I started organizing my cake stuff it inspired me to tackle a room a week. I say week because it almost really does take an entire week for me to work on one room between kids, errands etc...

This week it is the master bedroom and I moved all the furniture, dusted, vacuumed and got rid of a lot of books and magazines I'd had laying around. It's not finished but I'll be sure to post pictures of my adventure.

I'm still doing Jenny, still losing small amounts and still running. My body isn't where I wanted it to be a year ago today when I thought I'd be at my goal weight, but it's in much better shape than 2 years ago (216lbs!)

One day I'll organize this blog, but for now, the home comes first.

I called Jenny!

My trip to being back on track was somewhat successful. I managed to get off the pounds that had crept up, but our lives in general were in an upheaval and the stress had me reaching for snacks and comfort food more than I care to admit.

Through it all, I did manage to maintain my workouts and that's something I think has definitely kept me on track. I have a trainer to keep accountable to and if I start to slip she knows how to get me back.

Now that the kids are back in school and my youngest is in daycare I have some breathing room again to write and work on the house, organizing and preparing for the winter. I have always been curious about Jenny Craig, after trying Nutra System two years ago after the birth of my son I was leery. The Nutra system seemed simple. I figured I would use it to get back on track and kickstart a ten pounds loss. I was struggling because I wasn't cleared for exercise yet and I wanted to make sure I got my portion control back in check.

The food arrived and nothing was refridgerated, that should have been my first clue. I dove into the reading materials and decided I would give it a go. I selected some sort of cranberry loaf as my breakfast, I bit into it and felt something hard in my mouth - it was one of those food preserving packages that states "DO NOT EAT". The bread was dry and it tasted like the box it came in. Not yet wanting to give up, I tried a snack instead, some sort of chips. Again, it tasted like the packaging, I contemplated eating the box from the previous meal instead. Lunch rolled around and I heated up some sort of pasta dish. One bite and I gagged, it smelled, looked and tasted like dog food. (And I know the taste of dog food thanks to my older brother telling me it was tasty when we were kids. Lesson learned, don't trust your brother and don't eat nutri-system!)

When I looked at the Jenny Craig website I thought about the chance I took on the NS food, and the expensive waste it became because I didn't return it in time to get my refund. Regardless I read over the message boards and support forums and picked out my favorite foods. Then, I called Jenny! Of course you don't speak with Jenny but the staff member on the other line was very enthusiastic, supportive and interested in hearing my story. We ordered the food and I received instructions on when my food would arrive (just a few days away), and that I would have a meeting each week with a consultant over the phone.

Thursday the food arrives and it's packed with dry ice - very interesting. Dry Ice can burn your hands so you have to handle it with thick gloves and tongs as they suggest. I only had one small piece in a bag leftover so it just stayed at the bottom of the cooler to evaporate. I unpacked cheesecakes, cheesy potatoes and chicken and pancakes with breakfast sausage. Overall the food looked pretty decent albeit very small. I was intimidated by a box of food. After I spoke with my consultant we discussed goals and any obstacles I might face this week. So far, none that I can think of - except maybe the cake decorating class I took - how can I not try some of the cake I made?

I could go into great detail about the plan but what I can say for it so far is that it is very well thought out, planned and so far I'm not starving. Portion control, spacing, making the most of your meals - they actually encourage you to add items from the "free foods" list to each meal to bulk it up. So if you have a pizza for example, you can add your free veggies to it and make it personalized towards what you like. This makes me very happy, because I like to try new things and keep it interesting.

So why would I toot about eating non-processed foods and then switch to a program with just that? Well, I'm at a point where I want to make a change, I've been losing weight for a very long time and currently I'm at a plateau with my weight. I've maintained the same weight for an entire season which is a huge triumph but also a bit of setback at the same time. I want to keep losing and I definitely need a reality check on portion control and healthier eating. This program enforces eating a fruit with breakfast and a glass of milk - something I don't always do, heck I sometimes don't even do breakfast.

So far today I have eaten...

Blueberry Pancakes & Veggy Sausage Patty with light syrup

Peanut Butter Honey Bar (full of vitamens)

Apple

Glass of Milk

2 Glasses of Water

1/2 cup of peas

Cheesy Chicken & Mashed Potatoes

Later on I'll have a piece of fruit for my snack, up to two more free foods from the list and my dinner and desert with a glass of milk. To me it sounds like so much food, but it's all portioned out and healthy. If I chose the portions you can bet I'd have eaten three times as much at lunch because I wouldn't have had a filling breakfast and I'd be ready for a big meal.

My teeth that derailed my weight loss success are finally coming out. Two teeth just did not take to the fillings one dentist did and rather than go through Root Canals, I opted to have them removed instead of two other teeth that would be pulled for my upcoming braces! I haven't worn my twin bloc in a couple of weeks and I actually miss it. My teeth certainly do, and I am looking forward to having some progress once more.

I am back to running almost 6k now! Very excited about that, and since it's fall I'm more than ready to return to Hot Yoga & some Wii Fit games to keep me active when I'm not with my trainer.

The kids are napping so I'm going to take advantage of that and have a nice long hot shower and prepare myself for a relaxing evening with my family. Tomorrow I'm attending a cake decorating class and I can hardly wait. :) Pictures to follow!

Back in the Saddle!

So much has been going on, I'm not sure where to even begin! My running was going very well, in fact I was really kicking ass and doing 5k or more every Mon/Wed/Fri along with a weight routine in the mornings and going for a walk everyday with my husband that ranged from 5k-8k depending on how long we could get a sitter for. Yes, we really do hire a sitter so we can go for walks alone!

I was doing really well and expecting to have braces on my teeth when I arrived though, my orthodontist had a lovely little contraption called "The Twin Bloc" it's a set of retainers for top and bottom and they work on setting your jaw forward and fixing your bite. Not what I had expected but I had a binge before my appointment as advised by several close friends and family members who have done the same routine with the same ortho. Twin bloc on and I realize, you can't really eat with this thing in, and it's super uncomfortable. My teeth were already bothering me from a previous filling (top and bottom tooth) and super sensitive. Although I kept returning to have it fixed it remains unresolved - I can't drink anything to cold or too hot and definitely not without a straw and keeping it on the right side of my mouth. OUCH!

The twin bloc caused major saliva build up so the good side was that I wanted to take in more fluids, however my sore teeth sort of prevented this to a point. Eating hurt, my teeth ached, my mouth was sore from adjusting but after two weeks I was mostly okay and quite used to it. I wear it 24/7 and only take it out for eating and teeth brushing. After 6-8 months I'll end up with braces for two years. My teeth are a mess but the pain will be worth it!

I have always suffered from migraines and back pain. The migraines have ceased as promised by my orthodontist but several weeks ago I woke up one morning and pinched a nerve raising my head off the pillow. As soon as I did it I couldn't breath, I was stuck, rolled onto my back and realized I could move my hands and arms, my legs but I could not move my torso or neck at all - the pain was so intense. My husband and I had a conversation debating on whether or not to call the ambulance. I opted not to as the house was a mess - seriously! I couldn't bear to have the ambulance attendants see my skivvies on the bedroom floor!

Running or any type of working out was not an option for over a week. When I returned we did a couple of walks, and life threw me some curveballs that upped my stress level into epic proportions. Throw in a camping trip of silliness and bad choices in food and beverage and you have a seriously off track woman. I feared the scales in a big way, I came home to several extra pounds and vowed I would make changes and get back on track.

After a crazy week and no big changes, I knew that before long the scale would really get beyond my control and it would be a 10lb gain I'd be crying about during every workout and weigh in from now until Christmas. I don't lose fast so I know even a couple of pounds has to be nipped in the bud immediately.

After a week off from my trainer save one appointment where we walked and talked I spent some time meditating, planning and re-assessing my weight loss goals. I still have a bit to lose and I want to make sure I don't fall off the wagon into the abyss of binge eating and self-hating behaviour I've always reverted to in the past.

I went grocery shopping and picked up all the best of local produce. I live in Ontario and right now its prime season for the freshest fruits and veggies. I picked up blueberries, pineapple for juicing, red grapes and cucumbers, tomatoes and a few other favourites. Usually I will come home and throw everything in the fridge vowing to tackle it later. Not today! I know if I take the time to prep my snacks and meals for the week I'll be much more likely to succeed.

I rinsed all of my fruit and chopped it up storing in my favorite Glass Lock Containers. I picked up a set at Costco and I really wish I had gotten two. I love them! I also made up a quick and easy Cucumber/tomato Salad using a recipe I found on allrecipes.com - another favorite resource of mine. After that I sliced up some extra cucumber and tomato for sandwiches and sides and cleaned out any old or out of date items that needed to be pitched for extra space. An organized fridge always makes me feel much better and I can see what I want/need or can use much better.

My next item to tackle is throwing some chicken breasts in the crockpot with a few seasonings so I have some easy and fast protein to make sandwiches, salads and last minute meals. I also take out three supperworks meals. I make them at a meal assembly place and the place I go to always has fresh ingredients and all of them are pretty diet friendly. That gives me three meals to defrost and use for Mon, Tues and Wednesday, supper is done! Sides are done! Lunches and breakfasts are as simple as choosing a fruit and some yogurt or a muffin with peanut butter spread.

I promise to post more photo and visuals soon. I really need to get my posts looking prettier and sometimes a photograph can be much more inspiring than me describing it! This week I plan to drop a few fluffy pounds and get back under my wedding weight (167). It was the lowest I have gotten so far and since my wedding five years ago!

Triumphs not to be ignored - I purchased my first bikini and wore it proudly at the beach when we went camping. I didn't look perfect but I've come a long way and as I stood on that beach and looked around, there were a lot of women there twice my size proudly wearing a bikini and rocking it so I can too!

Back to running tomorrow evening with my trainer and nightly/daily walks will commence immediately. The fresh air and the activity always make me happier and much more inspired to tackle the bigger things in life!

Geocaching - Get Moving With the Family

Back in 2003 and 2004 we discovered geocaching via the recommendation of my American friends. It wasn't yet a popular activity that had caught on over here so there were few caches. Geocaching is like a big treasure hunt. Someone hides a rubbermaid like container with a log book, pencils and sharpeners along with some non-perishable goodies and trinkets - you post the co-ordinates and some hints on a site like geocaching.com and people search it out. Each visitor logs their visit, takes something and leaves something for someone else. Very fun and the kids absolutely love it. I had long forgotten about it until someone brought up geocaching to me again. I thought I should check and low and behold a geocache we had made and placed locally is STILL going. I couldn't believe it! People leave messages and let you know what they found, what they left, how they enjoyed the walk. It's a great way to get outdoors, discover new places and most of all to get in some great activity and exercise for the whole family.

You can download an app right to your iPhone or Blackberry to log local caches and start your treasure hunt. I usually recommend taking a grocery bag or two to pick up trash while you are in there. It's called, cache in - trash out, you have fun and clean up local parks while getting activity, another great bonus! Pick up some trinkets from the dollar store or items around the house you think people would find useful. Make up a cd with mixed music you think someone would enjoy, keychains, anything fun or interesting others might want to trade.

The reason geocaching is so great in my opinion is because not only are you doing something fun for the kids, but you are also teaching them that you can make a small difference by participating in "cache in, trash out" and how much fun it can be to be outdoors and away from the plugged in devices we all rely on for instant entertainment these days. I know we have plans to take the kids out on the next nice day for a refreshing round of treasure hunting and fun to kick off the summer!